Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
