I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
