Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
