Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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