i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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