You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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