Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
