??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
