What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
