Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
