dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
