no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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