I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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