3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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