Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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