Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
