she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
