i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
