You're completely useless in the revolution.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
someone owes me an orgasm
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
