my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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