she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
