Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
