then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I cockslap morals
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
