I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
