FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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