So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
