in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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