true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
