Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
