Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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