I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
