Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
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