one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
