ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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