I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize