Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
