I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
