I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
