my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
