Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
