My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
