he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
