your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
