john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she told me i tasted like america
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
