Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
