I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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