I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
