I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
