ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
