just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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