it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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