Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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