I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
