i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
