Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
