He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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