fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
