Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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