just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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