My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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