Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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